Every week I look forward to my Thursday morning meeting at 9:30. I have been in a women’s support group for over four years. This group was started by a friend of mine who asked six women to join her. Quite early on two women dropped out because the group wasn’t quite right for them. The remaining five of us are very dedicated and grateful for the support and closeness that has developed over the years. We used to meet at a centrally located woman’s home, and now we use Zoom because of Covid. 

I’m telling you about my group and how much it has meant to each of us because I want you to know what a benefit it could be in your life to start or join a similar group. There is no financial charge for this kind of group, just the charge of caring for each other in a positive way.

The guidelines are fairly simple:

• Each woman gets 5 minutes to tell the group anything that’s important to them.
• Then each woman gets 5 more minutes to talk more or get feedback… or a combination of the two. And it’s okay to ask for advice too. 
• One person volunteers to keep time and uses her phone as a timer. During the meeting, she simply says, “Who wants to go first?” and “Who wants to go next?” and gives each member five minutes, plus another five minutes, herself included.

Positive Feedback

The crucial aspect of the feedback is that it is positive. There’s no analyzing, looking for mistakes, or telling the woman how to improve. It’s about seeing the best in each woman. Here are some examples of positive feedback:

• “Even though you have physical pain, you keep a wonderfully positive attitude.”
• “You have such a beautiful spirit.”
• “You are so generous in volunteering to raise money for the food bank.”
• “You’re so persistent in dealing with these difficult issues in your life.”
• “I love how much your grandchildren look forward to talking to you on the phone.”

This kind of feedback helps us stay in touch with the good in ourselves and in our lives, which makes life feel lighter and challenges feel more manageable. Each week I leave the meeting feeling refreshed, energized and, most importantly, loved. 

If what I shared appeals to you, and if you have needs for connection and support, I encourage you to start a women’s group of your own. You can contact me if you have questions about any of this. 

Check back soon for Part 2 of this special 2-part post… Simple Steps for Starting Your Own Women’s Group. 

“There is love, and all the rest is just noise.”
Alex Ross

“The idea is to die young as late as possible.”
Ashley Montague

“If you’re irritated, you’re probably irritating.”
Alain de Botton

“If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them.”
Richard Bach

“The ability to play is one of the criteria for mental health.”
Ashley Montague

“Lose your mind: come to your senses.”
Fritz Perls

“Anything or anyone that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.”
David Whyte

“It is not the most lovable individuals who stand
more in need of love, but the most unlovable.”
Ashley Montague

“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone –
and finding that that’s ok with them.”
Alain de Botton

“There is love, and all the rest is just noise.”
Alex Ross

“The idea is to die young as late as possible.”
Ashley Montague

“If you’re irritated, you’re probably irritating.”
Alain de Botton

“If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them.”
Richard Bach

“The ability to play is one of the criteria for mental health.”
Ashley Montague

“Lose your mind: come to your senses.”
Fritz Perls

“Anything or anyone that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.”
David Whyte

“It is not the most lovable individuals who stand
more in need of love, but the most unlovable.”
Ashley Montague

“Intimacy is the capacity to be rather weird with someone –
and finding that that’s ok with them.”
Alain de Botton

Dr. Jane’s Ten-Minute Rule

There are things in life that I don’t like to do. To name a few: preparing my taxes, doing the laundry, picking up the house, etc. On the flip side, there are things I want to do that I don’t seem to get around to. To name a few: drawing, arts and craft projects, working in my garden. 

I’ve devised a plan that works well for me… and for the clients I’ve recommended it to. With The Ten-Minute Rule, I only have to start something and stay with it for ten minutes. The upshot of this tactic is I’ve given myself an “out” if I really don’t want to continue. And at the very least, I’ve completed 10 minutes worth of the project. The usual outcome is once I start, I continue. And invariably I’m glad I carried on. 

All of this comes together to relieve the nagging voice of procrastination and free up my energy for doing those things I really have to do AND those things I want to do.

I hope you try out The Ten-Minute Rule and see how it works for you. I’d love to hear back from you about it. 

I’m Better than You!! 

How Grandiosity and Unworthiness are Dangerous Traps

If you’ve ever felt the “I’m better than you” vibe from someone, then you know what it feels like to be on the other end of grandiosity. Irritating? Feeling small? Angry? What about when someone is expressing how unworthy they feel, saying things like, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” “I’m so flawed,” “I hate myself.” Maybe we feel compassion for awhile. Then perhaps we feel overwhelmed or like we want to get away. Most of us have not only experienced another’s grandiosity, we’ve been grandiose too. We’ve not only experienced another’s unworthiness, we’ve felt unworthy ourselves. The unfortunate outcome of all of this is that grandiosity and unworthiness separates us from others and leaves us feeling alone.

Have you heard of grandiosity? Probably. Here are some synonyms: pompous, pretentious, superior, feeling above or better than others.

You’re probably also well aware of “unworthiness.” Simply put, it means having little value or merit. As an attitude it means feeling ashamed and less than someone else or others. 

Years ago, I had the good fortune to learn from an outstanding psychotherapist, Terry Real of Boston, that all of us have experienced both grandiosity and unworthiness. Yet most of us have developed a pattern that leans toward one or the other end of the continuum. I like the way that Terry Real uses simplified terms for grandiosity, “feeling one-up,” and for unworthiness, “feeling one-down.”

The most basic fault of being one-up or one-down is that they don’t work in our favor. Why? Because love, respect, and connection come only when two people feel equal to each other. Being self-righteous or needing to be right or better doesn’t resolve things. Not speaking up, giving in, or withdrawing doesn’t either.

One or more of the following qualities often accompany being one-up –  anger, indifference, passive-aggression, critical and needing to be in control. One or more of these qualities often accompany being one-down – desperation, manipulation, begging, resignation, depression, and low self-esteem. 

It’s important to stay clear of judging those who go one-up or one-down because these strategies are usually learned in childhood in order to get our needs met. 

• Some children witnessed a parent being either one-up or one-down and unconsciously copied their behaviors. 
• Some children were made to feel they could do no wrong and were unrealistically praised for winning and being better than others. In this, grandiosity is born. 
• Some children were shamed, criticized, punished and put-down for mistakes or almost everything. In this, unworthiness is born. 
• Some people who feel unworthy hide it by acting one-up. 

One-up and one-down are two sides of the same coin.  One-up focuses the beam of contempt on others. One-down focuses the beam of contempt on yourself.

Judgmental thinking has dominated society for thousands of years and has led to some people having power over others. If, instead, we want love and fairness, we can discover ways to get out of right/wrong thinking and entrenched inequality patterns. We can shift to new ways of thinking, find emotional release, and engage in grief work if needed. We may, after all, experience sadness when we realize how much our behavior has created separation and division.

Helping my clients be aware of one-up and one-down patterns and then transforming their behavior has been one of my most effective therapeutic tools.

I’ll let Terry Real have the last word here: “Let your desire to live a psychologically healthy, respectful and intimate life bring you down from grandiosity and bring you up from shame and unworthiness.” This is how individuals become more open, understanding, fair, and loving!